WIP - Work In Progress

It has been a while since Meredith's narrations rang out clearly in my mind, amidst all the new and upcoming drama that Greys spurts out each week.

This particularly stuck, and reminded me why she was my favourite character to start of with years ago.

"I always thought I'd be happier alone.

Not because I like being alone. But it's easier to be alone.

Because what if you learn that you need love and then you don't have it?

What if you like it....and lean on it?

What if you shape your life around it? And then it falls apart....."

Likewise, I am a piece of work under construction.

But at the moment, with Korean dramas, tennis, coffee and friends, who needs to dwell on the grey bits of it all?

C'est la vie :)

This Mind

I think I have a brilliant memory.....

And before you think I am utterly full of myself, let me finish my sentence.

I think I have a brilliant memory.......

For stupid, non-medicine-related things that happened up to 5 or 6 years ago.

Like how I remembered this one-time favourite quote of mine that Meredith recited in Season 2 of Greys Anatomy some time back.

"But Derek, I love you. In a really really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheese cake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you love you."

With some help from Google, I thought I would stick these exact words here so that one day, when my memory for even these things fail me, I will have this site to look back on and laugh at myself.

Because with my failing stamina and my increasingly tired eyes and my lack of ability to even retain any bit of Medical Info I have weakly attempted to digest (if any at all), I might as well take up a full time job as a professional TV Addict and kiss my vague dream of CT Surgery good-bye.

Tired, and possibly incoherent.

Ah well. Tomorrow is another day.

I Dream a Dream

So after ten thousand years, I FINALLY got around to watching Inception last night.

One word: AMAAAAAZING.

I was afraid my attention might shift from time to time during the movie, seeing how lengthy it was and because I was suffering from some post-prandial drowsiness, but I did not drift ONE bit.

The bad thing though, was that when it had all ended, I started thinking how a movie like that could actually mess with the minds of people. Those who were, perhaps, slightly disturbed, or weaker than others - who had a mountain of emotional baggage riding on their shoulders, i.e. Marion Cotillard's character in the movie.

A dream within a dream within a dream.

Three layer dreams. Who would have thought. Hats off to the one who devised and wrote out this idea on script. I could never have thought it possible no matter how much I sharpened my literary skills (which have now turned to a mush).

Not even the slightest possible shrivel of hope, but I could not help wishing that I could wake up one day and all the shit that had happened in the past had just turned out to be one.....no, make that THREE huge bad dreams. And that the day that I wake up, I would just be in my comfortable old bed in my familiar old room in Kch, snoozing away....and that time would just have moved past an hour.

Sometimes I look at myself and I dread to think how much of the old Alyssa Sim has disappeared into nothingness, because every bit of an obstacle that topples me off my well laid-out path has brought me further and further from the person I once knew - some in ways that could be medal-deserving, others in ways that are possibly heart-wrenching, to say the least.

When Mal echoed "You said you had a dream that we would grow old together", I couldn't help but feel for her.

And then I remembered when hpy said how he would look back at his old photos and realise that he could never smile back the way he used to anymore. I look back at mine and think that I look like a shadow of the past.

Hpy had a dream that he was rolling in money. I had a dream that all the mistakes I had made in the past year or two had been just one hell of a nightmare.

But ahh.....what's to say. We wake up. Nothing has changed an iota. Reality sucks, my dear.

Insight

In the midst of some late-night skyping with bestie Pei Hua on Friday, I came across the 1972 Munich Massacre while randomly googling stuff on Wikipedia (Don't ask me how I got there. I certainly wasn't googling 'Crazy Terrorist Acts of the 20th Century'). And this reminded me of those years back when I watched the movie 'Munich', starring the very endearing Eric Bana, with a bunch of guys, and was so horrified by all the violence and shooting back then. Did not, I might add, gain much insight into the actual historical event that this movie was based loosely on as well.

So, in my resolution to be more learned and insightful, I thought I'd download the movie again and re-watch it through different, more perceptive eyes.

Good move.

Even reading text of how the 11 innocent souls were so brutally slain during the 1972 Olympics on German soil had sent shivers down my back. To imagine yourself as one of those who was awoken in the midst of beauty sleep by gunshots and blood spattering on the wall, only to find yourself bound and dragged along to impending doom. But watching snippets of the massacre as flashbacks in the movie was an entirely different thing. By the end of it, I was horrified and incredibly sad. Both by the inhumanity of the terrorists and the huge fumbling of a rescue that the Germans had so clumsily executed.

The aftermath was of course, an entirely different tale of its own. A part of me realised this is possibly how schizophrenics actually COULD go off reeling on a different direction of their own. And how doing something as innocent as walking down a dark, rainy alley on a London road or picking up a telephone call could just end in bloodbath.

My point?

I'm not entirely sure I have one. This weekend has been filled with alot of reading of non-medical related stuff (KILL ME NOW), revisiting History, reviewing political pages, reading blog entries, listening to political lectures....but we will go there another day....and of course, catching up with my best friend.

And we have both agreed that life is short. We only live once. So seize the moment and make the most out of it.

No emo nemo. Time to buck up!

Ahoy Sailor!

You know summer is here when the sun pokes through your blinds at the unearthly hour of 5 am, waking you up, and at the very next extreme, you look up at the clock, only to start and realise it is 9 freaking pm, and you have not done any work, because you thought it was merely 7 pm or so.

Ahhh these summer days.

I grabbed the opportunity of not having to go into the wards and meet patients on Wednesday to prance into lectures / tutorials with my much-awaited unveiling of summer attire for the season - shorts and gladiator sandals, which got quite a number of comments from fellow friends. Lol. Sorry, this is what sun deprivation does to you.

One of the summer trends that I have been coveting after, and which have hit the streets hard this season, however, has got to be the Nautical look, which Hanna and I both have a huge thing for.

After much scouting around the High Streets, I finally got my hands on a nautical-inspired, striped shirt - and I love it already! I was able to dress it up with high-waisted black pants and a bib-style necklace to make it hospital-worthy for meeting patients on the wards; and on the other hand, I could possibly just throw it together with one of my many pairs of shorts or with three-quarter rolled-up chinos for a laid back look.

I love how it is so easy to pull off, yet defines that preppy look almost in an instant. Definitely my style! No-fuss yet structured.

I know the Nautical look isn't something particularly new - in fact most designers come up with Cruise Collections every summer, and I was first introduced to this by none other than the Fashion Queen herself, Blair Waldorf in Season 1:

Remember this look?

I don't think I'm quite ready for that, though. That would take some serious strutting of style, and an inch-perfect figure to date. So for the moment, I'll just stick with the understated and this:

So....what is your favourite summer trend?

Lost, and Found

This wall was one of the few things that I loved best at the Tate Britain. LX and I spent a good 15 minutes staring at all four walls, trying to figure out which quotes we liked best.

So many of them struck chords deep in the heart. A couple actually sent a shiver down my back.

If I had four empty walls in an empty room, I would do the same.

For the first time in ages, the GG episode triggered something within. Remarkable, by GG standards because it has been churning out empty-headed stuff for a very very long time. When Vanya declared his reason for loving Dorota being that he was 'the best possible person' whenever he was with her, I teared with Blair. When B went out to proclaim that she did not like who she had become with Chuck, my heart went out to her.

Deja Vu. I am reminded of the scene in the bar last Monday when we were drinking into the dead of the night - a feat which I still hold as a true accomplishment, with me leaving at 3.30 am and waking up at 7.30 am the next morning for PBL.

JH's evident disappointment and vehement declaration of my momentary lapse of judgement at a certain point in time triggered irrational emo responses on my part. I was defeated. Emotionally and verbally.

But all is not lost. Like he said, We all learn from our mistakes. Such is life.

From trying to become someone I was not, to losing sight of my priorities, to trying to mould something into shape that we never meant to be.....to paying a price in the end.

From someone lost, to someone found.

I am almost completely there. Welcome back, Alyssa Sim. And hopefully you will be here to stay forever and always.

Push, Climb, Go

"They take pictures of mountain climbers at the top of the mountain. They are smiling. Happy. Ecstatic.

They don't take pictures along the way. 'Cos who wants to remember the rest of it?

We push ourselves because we have to. Not because we like it.

The relentless climb....The pain and anguish of taking it to the next level. Nobody takes pictures of that.

Nobody wants to remember.

We just want to remember the view from the top.

Because it's worth the pain.

It's worth anything."

Who would have thought that I would have gravitated towards Lexie Grey amidst this season's drama and turmoil.

I'll get to the top some day. I will.

Gratitude

To my bestest friends in the whole wide world :)

To Jenn, for the simple act of being so concerned and entertaining me on MSN just to make sure I was alright. Thanks so much. I haven't spoken to you in ages but when we do talk it is as though time had never moved an iota. I have missed you tons, and I'm glad I have sort of managed to keep on par with your updates regularly, but I will write you that long email soon just to keep you adrift with my shenanigans. Alot of the time, when I encounted fair-weather friends in my life, I am reminded of you and our friendship and how it was built to last - and that no matter how sporadic our conversations may be, I am indefinitely here for you as you are for me :)

To Manda, my one-in-a-million, Pri1-through-F5, and favourite person in the whole wide world, for calling me alllll the way from Adelaide despite the time difference and your being so exhausted. Even though we only dwelled on the serious bits for a fraction of the conversation, the entire hour or so was therapeutic beyond words! I miss you heaps.

To Janey, who has so kindly shared her similar experiences with me and dished out all her sentiments just to assure me that it was okay to be not okay. Thank You. I will email you / speak to you online soon, even though I wasn't there when you left me those msgs....but I am beyond words trying to describe how much they meant to me.

And finally to CK, whose simple BBM of concern meant soooo much to me, plus the sharing of her stories - short as my stopover was at her place, really hit home and reality, and made so much sense that I was amazed at how sometimes you just need another person to point out the obvious to you, even if it was something there all along that you never saw yourself.

Not forgetting as well, the rest of my incredible friends for their support / texts / well wishes / concern. I have not gotten around to telling everyone yet, but I will eventually. I am infinitely grateful to have friends like you all. And not to worry, I have shed one of the final few tears for my grandfather, for now at least.

'He who does not weep, does not see.'

I remembered one episode of OTH where there was a death in the school and someone quoted this phrase from Les Miserables, which I found to be suitably appropriate.

Thanks again, people xx

Somethin' Special

"Sometimes in life there really are bonds formed that can never be broken.

Sometimes you really can find that one person who will stand by you no matter what.

Maybe you will find it in a spouse and celebrate it with your dream wedding.

But there's also the chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime, the one person who knows you sometimes better than you know yourself ...is the same person who's been standing beside you all along."

Finally got round to watching 'Bride Wars' over the weekend after downloading it. Yes, I know....outdated much? Strangely enough, I liked it more than I was expecting myself to. I have a thing for movies along the theme of special connections or unbreakable bonds of friendship between two people, and it was inevitable that when my favourite part (the ending) came about, I was reminded again of how much I actually miss Manda and Niffy.

I decided to be optimistic and count my blessings that I had actually met such fabulous people and had the fortune of keeping them around to call my besties, albeit not physically :)

Then it struck me that I was probably going to miss Nod and Wynken completely, terribly...and horribly all too soon.

Ah well... :)

He's Just Not That Into You

I first picked up this phrase frm SATC, where Miranda was introduced to this concept by Carrie's Man of the Moment.

Ever since, I've been reciting it in my head. I particularly like enunciating it where necessary. Read as shown:

He's just not that into you.

Unfortunately, I haven't had the guts like Miranda to actually spread the gospel to others yet, well who am I to dish out advice like this when I, like Carrie and the rest of the girls, have spent a fair bit of my life deciphering mixed messages.

Maybe it's all like what Berger said:

"With men, there are no mixed messages. If we like you, we're coming upstairs."

And I really, REALLY believe that it's true. Well, save for certain extenuating circumstances. But isn't life so much simpler without the constant pain of reading in between the lines and constantly pondering why this or that happened, amidst juggling hot-cold tendencies and trying to turn them into a more favourable answer?

I guess there probably are no love-hate relationships in this world. You either mean what you say or say what you mean.

So the next time something like this happens, I'm embracing the gospel with open arms and an open heart.
There are no mixed messages.

He's just not that into you.

PS: I'm so watching the movie soon.

Slumdog Millionaire

So it was by pure chance that I stumbled across a Youtube video of local Harrow lad, Dev Patel on the Ellen DeGeneres show. I have a soft spot for Ellen DeGeneres by the way. I think she's the cat's pyjamas and pretty damn funny to boot. He wasn't exactly very good looking. A tad too thin and not to mention extremely boyish (hello....18!), but he had the most fabulous British accent AND I came to realise that he was the star of the much talked about Slumdog Millionaire which had scooped up a bunch of awards at the Golden Globes.

The storyline sounded pretty interesting so I decided to d/l it to have a watch. While waiting for it to finish, Zhin and I discussed bits of the movie and other things on MSN, but the one thing I remembered distinctly was being completely aghast when my file finished downloading and I opened it up only to realise one glaring point I had forgotten. It was a Bollywood film. Well, not exactly Bollywod per se but it was based in Mumbai and obviously it had to be as authentic as possible, so for the first part of the film, the language spoken was their native one, and for the second part, they spoke in accented English. I remember complaining to Zhin about Dev's own real life accent being masked and how horrendous that was, and I went to bed rather disappointed.

I brought myself to watch it again today, however, despite my phobia for Bollywood films, and to my surprise, I was rooted for the entire movie. I have the shortest attention span for movies - couldn't even take an hour of 'Burn After Reading'. But the authenticity of the film being shot in Mumbai.....the conditions of the slums....the children running around, the vast number of people there actually were in India.....the harsh reality of a Hindu-Muslim riot that killed a mother and left 2 boys orphaned, were all that tantalising for me. My heart wept when I saw the people who had to resort to picking up trash from the dumpsites as a source of income, or the women who had to do their washing in a river that was murky with pollution. I cringed on the edge of my seat in horror when I realised the true ulterior motive of the man asking a bunch of children to rehearse their singing, choosing the best songbird amongst them only to burn their eyes out so that they could beg on the streets as blind singers.

The love story that constructed the core of the movie was mediocre at the best, but the reality that was India opened my eyes to a whole new level, and made me aware of how, whether we liked it or not, some things were not fair in life and they never would be. We would always be stratified into different classes of society, whether we liked it or not, and there wasn't much we could do to change that. It made me so sad, however, that I had everything under the sun within my grasp while some individuals just miles away had to fight so hard everyday just to put food into their mouths.

I say this too much already....but c'es la vie, ain't it.

On a happier note, Happy CNY to all.

I'm loving all the episodes that the TV Shows have come up with this week. Definitely a well applauded bang to the year end before they go on hiatus for the festive season.

I didn't go as far as to shed tears, because well, how can anyone possibly....for GG. But the pain in Chuck's and Blair's eyes actually scored a point within me, and I was undeniably impressed.

Am in a good mood and enjoying my bumming session already to celebrate a start to the holidays :)

I just realised a moment ago that I am actually going to see Niff again after a zillion years in a week's time!

[Carrie's narration]:

"Some love stories aren't epic novels. They are short stories, but that doesn't make them any less filled with love"


[Les Mis']:

"He who does not weep does not see"

'A woman's heart is like an ocean full of secrets'.

Someone once commented that I must have been born in the wrong era of music and movies. I seem to be stuck in the 90's when it comes to the entertainment industry. With the exception of Zhou Jie Lun and R&B of course.

But a vast majority of my favourite films of all time exist from the 90's.

And recently, I downloaded Titanic to rewatch again.

My friend told me I was mad.

I found it strangely captivating, especially the last bit when she was going down and everything was finally coming to an end...lost under thousands of feet of icy, cold water.

Then I realised all the times that I had been feeling pensive over what I had 'lost' the past 1 and a half years, was in fact, a misconception.

Instead I realise now I had voluntarily thrown it out of my life.

When I dreamt that I had been shot, I also dreamt that you saved me. And that came to my mind, a split second after I woke up, still reeling from the shock and thinking that it was real. For a moment, I was strangely comforted, and then the feeling passed.

I never realised how much I had relied on you until you ceased to exist. I guess you were the one who was around, most of the time, when turmoil and tension weren't boiling forth by the minute. But you never really did much, except be THERE.

And that's just not enough anymore, is it?