Getting in touch with reality

A request from my Niffeyhh Baybbeehhh, hence the update, even though there is absolutely nothing to update on. Lol.

I've changed so much in the past few months that it's almost unbelievable. I realised I had become a different person ever since I left school all those years back, and to change even further from that...well....sometimes I'm not sure who I really am or want to be anymore. I am aware that change isn't necessarily always a good thing, but I am also aware that I am closer to discovering myself now than ever before, and the person I am today, despite being a shadow of the person I would like to be, is very much more ME than the person I was back in High School.

I have also discovered, that some of my friends from back home have never changed one bit. And again, I'm not saying this is necessarily a good thing. It never ceases to amaze me, the myriad of personalities that exist amongst the people I know in this world. And yet it also exasperates me, at times, how some people could possibly act in certain ways. At the risk of sounding judgmental, a free world as it is, there are certain standards that are expected of a person in terms of being labelled a nice, down-to-earth, humble, sensitive, generous human being, and as much as I dwell on the phrase 'That's what friends are for', friends are around to give and take, help those in sticky situations, lend a shoulder to cry on and so much more. I've had my fair share of giving and taking (bless those people, you know who you are ;)), and yet ever since I left my comfy days of TG and Baby E, I have realised that the definition of friends has varied so widely in this very day, amongst different people, that it pains me at times.

I cannot dwell enough on how much insensitivity, blatant rudeness, mean attributes and such could kill a friendship, and I cannot stress enough now. On the surface, I may be the epitome of calmness in public. I will do things obligingly within my limits if you have to ask, even if I think it is downright unreasonable. I will go along with things that I dislike, just because I don't want to cause an unnecessary squabble. I will never raise my voice and shout at you in public, simply because I believe in basic courtesy and the way I portray myself amongst people. And yet, somewhere along the line, I will break. And even though I might not show it, or the cracks will heal almost immediately, the growing rift between those individuals is inevitable.

In the 12 months or so from now, when I see my friends from home again, it will indefinitely be awkward. I am changed, but I have changed into a person that is perceived differently by them than I would have liked myself to be. And yet, does it matter? Does it matter that it would possibly be my name on the table this time being labelled a b*tch by people because I am ungrateful and have abandoned my relationships with the rest? Does it matter that people will see me differently in a not-so-flattering light (if not already now) because there have been incorrect judgements of my character being passed around verbally? To be truthful, it doesn't bother me one bit. When you are stuck in ruts or drowning in seas, friends are supposed to be there, through thick and thin, because they will know you inside out, and even if people change, the connection between them will always exist, if the friendship is true. And if it doesn't....well, enough said.

I don't mind nonsensical banter, or sitting around the table talking about lame stuff, but untruthful gossip, belittling judgements of people and calculative accounts of others definitely do NOT get my vote.

My calm composure at all times does not mean I have infinite patience and endurance. I am but human, after all.

I realise that my blog is cryptic as such, but it is my turf after all.

And finally, contrary to the popular common conclusion that might be drawn after reading this entry, I am NOT, I repeat.....NOT complaining about people in particular. I do not complain about people in particular. To me, you do not anger me unless you are significant enough. And no, nobody significant enough to me is guilty of such proceedings. This entry is not meant for whinging purposes or to grovel for empathy from others. It is merely a series of ponderings that I have translated from thoughts to clumsy strings of words, and even though you might write it off as judgmental, I think there is some truth in it. And I am merely voicing it aloud because all of the above are potentially exasperating in every possible way, and as people who do not want such things done to them (I'm sure), the things above should definitely not be done unto others.

I will update about more coherent, day-to-day stuff after next week :)

Last but not least, a shoutout to my person Niffy Poo. You are the best! You provide me with the much-needed breaks and help maintain my sanity. You amuse all my silly rantings about certain peopole or things in particular, so that's why I need to say this. You must always be honest with me k? ANY time that I am being self-centered or annoying or just too freaking long-winded, you have to tell me. Lol. Cos you are one of the few ppl I can tell everything to, and hmmm....well....enough said. Muacks, babes!! :)

PS: Manda!!! Choose a favourite state! Hehehehe. And keep updating, because your taggie is my only insanity-releasing outlet these days. Hugs lurrveee you to bits and for a fraction of a second, I even wish i was in Ade. Hehehe ;) -- Massachussets -- LOL.

And Woogui aka King of my Kingdom aka G17! Come out of ur shell!!!! You too, RoyalBaoOnTheGoldenPlatter!!!

xxxx