Just Because

There are only a handful of people in this world who actually know me inside out. That in all truthfulness, I look stronger than I really am. 

But since I have started this job in August, I have only gone upwards and forwards from there. Much to the point that I feel I have such good control over my emotions these days, I have almost talked myself into NOT feeling. Or rather, not actively feeling anything. 

But I am human. Just because I don't cry doesn't mean that there aren't days when I feel like work is sucking the energy right out of me. 

Just because I don't say anything does not mean that my heart doesn't break when I see that old lady tottering around the ward, being denied that cup of tea she can't have because she isn't safe to swallow.

Just because I hold my tongue and smile certainly does not mean that I feel any less impatient towards the lack of insight and initiative some people have. 

And just because I am remaining positive about my new job in Geriatric Medicine and the amount of general medicine I am hoping to gain out of this sure as hell does not mean that I miss Cardiology any less. 

The strange thrills that I get from diagnosing and managing someone in heart failure OR talking about pacemakers OR managing fast AF make me wonder at times whether I have just anchored myself because I dislike change, or perhaps...

Perhaps that I just like things that I cannot have.