Back for good

Back when I had first announced my decision to leave the UK for good in March, it had seemed so far away then. On top of studying for my MRCP Part 2 exam and tearing my hair out amidst consecutive on calls and questions, the one thing I proclaimed daily was that I just wanted to go home for good. I couldn't wait. Later on, when these exams had been passed and done with and there was no longer any real stress, I ranted about how I hated surgery and ENT daily. That I couldn't wait to leave this place forever. 

Truth be told, my departure from the UK was more uneventful than anything else I had ever experienced in life. It had been completely drama-free, perhaps aided greatly by the fact that we were in a mad rush to lug back my 28492 outfits and shoes that I had collected over half a lifetime in a country I had come to know so well over these years. There was no longing and bitterly missing my life in the UK after coming back here. In fact, I have almost forgotten what it was like back there - and this is what I'd like to think is what it is like to feel settled. That this decision to move back for good was none other than the right one all along. 

When I had first told my consultant of my decision to leave a few months ago, he pointed out that I had spent so many years in the UK that I was probably more 'anglicised' than I had thought over these years. Which I had to agree was slightly true and slightly not. I had come to find myself to be someone who was neither here nor there since I had left home at the age of 17. Amongst my English friends, I found myself to be 'more Chinese' than I had ever thought with my principles and yet back home, the tag 'UK Girl' never seemed to have left. Living abroad brought me the freedom and independence that made me grow into the person I was today, and this, amidst a myriad of both good and bad things that transpired - McD runs in the middle of the night, getting so wasted on 80% strength liquor, trudging 2 miles to the train station in ankle-deep snow clad only in ballet flats, coupled with short interludes of winter / easter / summer holidays gallivanting in Europe or being pampered back home....I would never have traded in for anything else ever. 

And then the one big party that was 'student life' ended, and the real world loomed ahead. Friends started to leave....one by one. For different parts of the UK, for Scotland, for the East. Boys came and went and sadly, none were here to stay. On call rotas started to shape our lives, followed closely by the pain of studying for post grad exams. There ceased to be a 'Club 168A' or a 'Daisy, Minnie and Coco' and meeting up for short European breaks  / weekend breaks seemed to be the only thing I lived for. And as much as I had professed that the past 2 years of my medical career had turned out with me having nothing to show for besides an amazing ability to multi-task and churn out discharge summaries at top speed, I had to admit that the only bit of meaning to my life was probably connecting with medicine and reinstating my faith in what I had already known - that I was a medic through and through. That it had been insane I had actually considered Colorectal Surgery and Ob Gyn for one brief point in medical school.

It feels strange to be leading the most unproductive life ever when I had hardly stopped to even breathe for the whole of May with my back to back on calls. Truth be told, there is alot of soul searching that I have been left with to do at the moment. Whether or not my incessant desire to live the Cardio dream and put up with a lifetime of stress and exams was what I would really want in the future, if life would really become as empty for me as being only about constantly struggling to keep abreast in this rat race that is medicine with no knight in shining armour riding along in a cloud of dust in the distance, if I was really cut out to be the best of both worlds in the future or if I could just handle one at a time.

But I reckon pondering never really did anyone any good, and I have come this far to achieve my fierce childhood dream of becoming a doctor. We only move forward from where we go, and hope for the best.

And for the moment, I'm optimistic that I can make it.