Saturday, November 22, 2014

Wonderland

It seems hard to imagine that 2014 is drawing to an end and again, my whole year has almost passed by without me achieving much in life. I suppose I imagined myself living in a sort of Wonderland before moving back, and then I took a whole month and more to get used to this job that I had loved so much before. 

Each day when I open up my various pages of social media, besides seeing this person getting married, that person getting engaged and this other person winning some kind of top-notch award, I drag myself on to my feet and realise that I have nothing much to share with the world besides trudging to work before it is barely light.

I suppose I can't complain much. I don't live at the other end of Singapore and am lucky enough to be able to get to and from work easily. I am also lucky that now it has been almost 6 months since I started work, I am less at a loss with the different abbreviations and I know how to get to A&E back to the ward without losing my way. I have also done countless 30 hour on calls now to the point that I know how it feels like to survive without sleep for 2 days. 

However, I do find myself questioning myself over and over again if this is what I really even want. 

How distant those days of bonding with my favourite cardiology registrar over coffee in the echo room or my cardiology consultant heaping praises over my winning the audit award to everyone in the hospital seemed. Here, I am less than dust. Not that it really mattered. I had at least gotten over the fact that if I got through the day without being shouted at, I should count my blessings. 

But I hadn't realised until recently how exhausted I was doing back to back 30 hour on calls until a few days ago and it made me wonder. If this was really what I wanted out of my entire life. Running around the hospital at top speed, getting angsty at stupid A&E referrals and snapping at everyone else. 

I wasn't that kind of person and I wasn't willing to be. 

These days, the thing that makes my days is listening to Taylor Swift and 1989 on repeat, gawking at her amazing outfits and how amazingly skinny she is....how I could never ever be this skinny despite my efforts (sporadic, yes, I know...) at gymming. 

And I think back to this time last year and the days of eyelash-batting at Mr Crook and gossiping about nonsense seem so so far away. 

This year I will spend boxing day on call, NYE post 30 hour on call and the rest of the month slaving through the usual routine of work + running around the wards + getting used to this life. 

It seems that when I was so inspired and so determined to achieve this cardiology dream in the UK, the dream has never seemed to distant to me until now.