It's crazy how in the blink of an eye, it is August already.
Where the heck did the last 8 months of 2016 go?
I recall the days of being a high school student : giggling with Manda about nonsense amidst classes, as with the days of being a carefree college student worrying about what to wear everyday so as not to recycle my wardrobe. I vividly recall the days of medical school and of my F1/F2 days where I was so much more driven and of my bright-eyed enthusiasm.
In this last year since I commenced residency, I have come to terms with a few things:
1) Why the previous residents I have met have been so jaded halfway through their career
- I used to muse aloud as to why these guys would get so jaded halfway through or at the end of their third year and just throw in the ropes and call it quits.
Sad to say, I now see why. Because I have found myself teetering on the edge of feeling so freaking fed up many times over the last year.
Looking back now, it is difficult to pin-point down as to what drove those feelings, but I dare say that a big part of it possibly was driven by the culture in this part of the world and how I sometimes just get wronged for everything under the sun - even if it wasn't entirely my fault. If I did something brilliantly, no one ever actually acknowledged it, but the moment I made a mistake, I was given a look like I was dust.
2) Why some people have just given up pursuing their dreams, because honestly, some things are just not worth it
- Honestly, people who have known me for most of my life will know that I have wanted to be a cardiologist for a good part of the last 5 years of my life at least. It's always been about how I need to be a cardio god: and that's all that matters.
But truthfully, amidst the days of clerking 30 patients in the middle of the night, to 30 hour on calls that stretch into 33 hour on calls because I leave at 3 pm the next day, to days when I stare at myself in the mirror and wonder just when did I become so haggard: I question myself.
And truth be told, I have been hesitating this year - ironically - about pushing forward with the cardiology dream. It was all I had wanted before becoming a trainee and all of a sudden, I find myself pausing at the crossroads and wondering whether this is the correct decision. Mainly because I realise that I will truly be ruining my own life in more ways than one and possibly be really museum-bound as a Cardiology reg.
Heck, is life really worth sacrificing this much energy and my youth over a couple of ECGs and a stupid hospital where everyday I find myself getting more and more angsty with a zillion and one unnecessary things.
3) How I have changed into someone I don't really get anymore
- Looking back at my blog entries of the past , the Gmail chats / text messages and my pictures, I realise what a different person I have become. It is difficult to put a finger down on it, but it is almost as though the 'me' of the past has faded into someone who just doesn't give a crap.
I no longer care what people think of me. Neither do I care if I get into trouble for not doing the teeniest of things and if people hate me because I have raised their voice at them. I have ceased to care as much about my outfits and my sense of style daily. And to be honest, it is sad to say that I can no longer recall the last time I really felt happy and contented.
Perhaps it is because I have managed to perfect the act of putting on a front after years of rigorous training. But it doesn't really matter, because I can tolerate a lot of things but it is difficult to define moments that actually bring joy to my life. Or rather, it has been so long since I have met someone I can truly connect with that I'm not sure what it feels like anymore.
So almost a whole year of 2016 has gone by. I have yet again achieved nothing much in life. And a whole year of residency has flown past me, with little to add to my medical career besides just jumping through another hurdle.
I guess to look at the glass as half full, there are a further 4 months to make this remaining bit of time left really count.