Perhaps I have just been influenced all weekend by John Mayer crooning to me across my amazing Altec Lansing speakers about not being able to give me more than 'Half of his Heart'. But honestly, some days I feel like I am going through my days like clockwork, just waiting for the sun to rise and then the days to turn dark again. And THAT concludes yet another 'sien' day of my life.
So yes, unfortunately I guess I am going through my Surgery days more half-heartedly than I would have liked to. And I can blame Epsom and the lack of patients to attend to, but that is just me picking a million excuses out of a hat without having to blame myself.
Looking back on the first week, I guess not ALL aspects of it were as bad as I had anticipated. First of all, travelling wasn't as bad. And I have yet to appear on hospital grounds at an unearthly hour, well except maybe, tomorrow.
I guess I should really be grateful that there is actually a Teaching Fellow around to offer teaching, and actually make the effort to bring us over to the neighbouring Trust hospital to hunt down more interesting patients. And the session on Thursday on Wound Management was REALLY useful, considering I had almost forgotten all the info I had collected from all the Plastics lectures I had in Georges last year. Plus, we actually got to perfect our suturing this time around, compared to how the ENT Surgeon whizzed through everything at tip top speed last year, and even though I won't say that I am Plastic Surgery material at doing Interrupted or Mattress Sutures as yet, I will say that I am better AND neater than I had expected. I know it takes a lot more to be a surgeon than to just be good at suturing, but it is just the satisfaction of being able to do something right and well, at least.
Thursday Colorectal Clinic lasted a record-breaking FOUR AND A HALF HOURS in the afternoon, and we got out at 1830. Both my firmmate and I were aghast at how many patients there were - some were waiting for a whole hour and a half. And personally, I was amazed at how passionate Mr. T was about his work. I got home at around 8 pm or so, but despite feeling completely knackered, I found some time to pause and consider how Mr. T might have felt in comparison. He had never lost his level of energy or enthusiasm one iota, throughout the whole four and a half hours of that marathon clinic, and there we were - merely sitting in the corner - not even having to actively think or act on managing, proceeding or breaking bad news, apart from answer questions every now and then - and WE were the ones feeling exhausted instead.
And that was when I felt that I had become more half-hearted at what I supposedly loved than I had realised.
During the days of pre-medschool interviews of tears and stress and proclaiming that Medicine was the only way to go, that there was no way I could imagine myself doing anything other than Doctoring my way through this link of people and clinical science, I was full of passion and ambition.
And somehow, halfway through this journey, I lost myself again.
A younger, more vibrant me would have been thoroughly amazed at that clinic session. To be fair, I was exhausted, but I KNEW that it was one of the most rewarding clinic sessions I had had the chance to sit in on. We saw the whole spectra of Colorectal diseases, and as Mr. T mentioned, there are only SO many diseases you can get in your large bowel - from harmless haemorrhoids, diverticular disease, the IBDs (UC & Crohn's), even a rectocaele, to the more frightening colorectal cancer. And we saw them all.
So on Friday morning I made myself go in on my own to get some stuff done. Having failed to hunt down any of Mr. T's surgical patients on the wards, I bumped into the F1 along the way and offered to help her with her jobs, as well as for any good patients to see. No surgical ones, but Ta-Dah! Cardiac Patient again! Hehe. Not a very flabbergasting history, to be honest. Possible NSTEMI, but I was grateful to perfect my Cardiac History Taking / Examining at any point.
So I will be looking forward to a hopefully rewarding Theatre session tomorrow.
And then after that, not really looking forward to Hanna's farewell dinner. Well, not really NOT looking forward to seeing the others per se, but you get the drift.
More about that another time though.
Meanwhile, I leave you with my favourite song of the moment:
Half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
And half of my heart is part of a man
Who's never truly loved anything
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